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Tennessee Bans Thinking as a “Gateway Liberal Activity”

May 2, 2012

Rep. Gotto Demonstrating Borderline Gateway Sexual Activity at a Political Function

A week before the beginning of my sophomore year at the University of Connecticut I met up with my best friend whom I had not seen in a year.  We were bored and had nothing better to do, so we decided to visit another friend of mine in New York.  Roughly three days later we crossed the California border.  It is a great story, but I only want to mention one thing that we observed during our journey.  I think we were driving through Texas (I don’t remember for sure, this was long before I learned how to identify what state I am in by the type of barbecue sauce on my brisket) when we saw a billboard that made us pull over, laugh and scratch our heads for about 15 minutes.

Allow me to describe it:

A teenage boy and girl are sitting in the front two seats of a roller coaster doing a corkscrew. They both have their arms in the air, their hair is blowing in the wind with a half excited half terrified look on their faces – you know – the same expression they had the first time they accidentally mistyped the Christian webpage they were visiting and got redirected to a hardcore porn site.

So here they are, practically popping out of the billboard.  At the top left corner of the sign in a giant happy font we read “Looking for a thrill?”

So we’re thinking “Hey, cool, there must be an amusement park nearby or something!”


Our eyes are then drawn to the bottom right corner of the billboard and we see in some medium-sized and very dull font:


Really?  We both must have read that sign 20 times to make sure we were seeing it right.

Ok, I understand the issues here.  I respect that many religions and faiths preach abstinence.  And I believe underage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are serious issues that need to be addressed.  Let’s say I even agreed that abstinence only education was the way to go.

“Looking for a thrill?”

Yeah, there’s nothing more thrilling than not having sex.  Can’t these people afford better marketing?

And now, a little more than 10 years later, our dear friend Tennessee passes legislation banning teachers from promoting “gateway sexual activity”.  Apparently the law considers hugging and hand holding “gateway sexual activity”.

I can see the headlines now: “Local 1st Grade Teacher Arrested on 18 Counts of Attempted Rape and Child Molestation After Loud Noise Startles Class”

To all of these abstinence whores I ask; don’t you realize what a poor advertising campaign you are running?  Making it illegal for teachers to hug or hold hands in front of their students?

News flash: the mental image of Billy Bob’s history teacher doing the nasty with her husband (the gym teacher) has single-handedly saved him from losing his virginity on 12 separate occasions.  Do you really want to take that away from him?

The thought of teachers, parents and politicians having sex isn’t contributing to the rise of teenage pregnancy in America; it is the only thing holding it back!

If we want to keep America’s children from having sex we must constantly remind children that their teachers, parents and politicians all have sex – not help them forget about it!  Let’s encourage teachers to display sexual behavior.  Have your health teacher make a sex tape and use it as a part of the curriculum.

This applies to parents as well.  Moms, if you are concerned that your daughter’s boyfriend is trying to get in her pants, just invite him over to dinner and tell stories about the first time you and your husband had sex.  Bring out the photo album during dessert!

If Representative Gotto really wants to do something about all the teenage sex and gay men in Tennessee, all he needs to do is replace every billboard advertisement in the state with nude pictures of…. well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Of course, I have a better suggestion.

Here is what I know about America now. The level of tension in this country is through the roof.  People are so stressed out and angry.  Parents who think ‘autism’ is French for ‘secret agent’ are sending their children to school with covert spy equipment.  Countless Americans have lost their homes, jobs and savings.  We have thousands of young men and women fighting overseas – some losing their lives and others their mental stability.  We are so desperate for real change in government that millions of Americans actually take Sarah Palin seriously.  America just isn’t very happy.

If you ask me, our students need a hug more than ever.

And we adults could stand to get laid.  Would a little “gateway sexual activity” really be that bad of a thing?  Just imagine what tomorrow would be like if everyone got some tonight.  I’m just picturing all the birds and rainbows and bunny rabbits.

Instead of criticizing Tennessee, let’s support and encourage them.  Let’s start a movement; Make physical contact a gateway sexual activity everywhere!

The next time someone hugs you, look them in the eye and say “Really? Of course I’ll have sex with you.  I thought you’d never ask!” (No, Tennessee, this would not apply to siblings or cousins.  Ok, maybe second cousins.)  Didn’t a study in Tennessee prove that you can get pregnant and contract HIV by holding hands anyway?  Might as well take the next step, right?

Or, if you want to do something really positive for the future of our children, may I suggest banning algebra and proper grammar from our classrooms?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. May 2, 2012 4:44 am

    I am choking on words and laughter. I COMPLETELY AGREE. I honestly don’t know what to say except: I WISH that more people would think like you. XO GREAT post.

  2. May 2, 2012 7:41 am

    This post got my blood pressure up this morning, hitting some pretty raw nerves. I live in a state here in the US where the School Boards not only promote abstinence as their curriculum for their 2 hour/year sex education class (contraception and STDs cannot be discussed), but have passed laws that will not allow school children to HUG in school. Medical professionals are not allowed to discuss sexual issues with a teenager without parental consent – or they must be 18. Girls who become pregnant while in school are moved to “special” schools. Needless to say, we have more teen suicides, one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates, and sexually transmitted diseases run amok here. The sexual education classes, as shallow and non-informative as they are, still require that each child’s parents SIGN a consent form just to receive what little information they are given. To me, it’s like handing a kid a loaded handgun without teaching them how to use it first. States like mine have passed laws that are irresponsible and, frankly, none of their damned business, all in the name of religion. Really? I’m living in the stone ages here – but I’m sure that even the cave men/women were better educated in this sexual health than we are today.

    Keep posting these important issues – people seriously need to get a clue.

    Thanks and have a great day!



    • May 2, 2012 3:31 pm

      Thanks. It’s just so terribly frustrating – people are so passionate about these issues that they very rarely listen to those who have different views. I don’t question that the people writing and advocating these laws truly believe that they are doing what is best for our children and our country – which is simultaneously what drives me crazy yet at the same time keeps me from going completely insane.

      In the future I would recommend not reading anything I write until after a cup of coffee or three!

  3. May 2, 2012 12:32 pm

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I will laugh. I enjoyed your writing style, too. I am a ninth grade English teacher, and I agree with the “no hugging” policy. However, my grade school children live for the hugs. Also, please do not advocate not teaching grammar. In light of Tennessee’s proposal, banning Alge BRA might be appropriate. (Sorry, I did say I teach freshmen.)

    • May 2, 2012 3:01 pm

      Thanks, both for your feedback on the content and my writing style – coming from an English teacher that particularly makes my day. I had a wonderful 11th and 12th grade teacher who often broke my heart by covering my adolescent masterpieces with red ink.

      I have mixed feelings about the hugs. Especially in the first school I worked at a hug and sometimes even a kiss on the cheek was pretty much a standard greeting between friends and was no more scandalous than a handshake. I didn’t encourage it but I felt it was wise to choose my battles as long as the hands stayed above the waist (and below the algebra). Besides, they do it in France and it’s not like the French are known for being overly sexual, right?

  4. May 2, 2012 6:26 pm

    Matt this was hilarious! Even the term “gateway sexual activity” sounds incredible. I love that you said that if you remind the students that their teachers, politicians, and parents are having sex, they surely will be abstinent. In fact, these kids will be too busy battling nausea from just thinking about all those ‘old folks’ to even consider anything other than abstinence. As a matter of fact, I’ve got to go throw up right now (LOL).

Every time I get a comment I give my dog a treat!

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